Unleash the Fangirls!
by Gemleaf
Summary: An alchemic mishap leads to fangirls being unleashed upon Central. Will a guide step up among them to keep them safe? Meet Angst, Slash, Tragedy, and many others! Rated T for cursing, messed up humor and general things that make it not appropriate for children! See the tropes and patterns in fanfiction mocked, a spectacle for people 13 and older!


Please don't take offense, I myself am a bit of a fangirl, and this is simply a work of humor, not an attack on the fangirl/boy community. I'm just making fun of some of the more ridiculous tropes and patterns I see in fanfiction. :P

...

Insane laughter filled the room, the crushing sense of dark forces at work was felt. If anything could be called the Devil's work, this was it. His wild eyes were pleased by the potential destruction, by the chaos it would cause! The glass jars, filled with all sorts of unnatural things, rattled until they fell off the floor.

But what was about to happen, would be the greatest sin against nature of all.

A portal opened, and the world of fangirls and Full Metal Alchemist united! Ungodly squees filled the air, and the alchemist's eyes widened.

"Oh god! Oh dear God! What have I done? I knew that I would be causing trouble, but this..."

He couldn't finish his sentence, for he was attacked by the fangirly mob, "Where's Edo-Kun? Where is he? If you don't know where he is... then you must die!"

And the scientist's creation turned on him.

...

Roy Mustang was very distracted, he did all of his usual duties, but he sensed something... a disturbance. As if there was some massive, unstoppable force about to arrive at the city. But he concentrated and got all of his work done.

One thing he noticed is that there was a remarkable surplus of teenage girls in the city that day.

He called in Edward, "We need to talk."

The usual teasing/raging about his height went on, and then business continued. Besides the disturbance, everything was remarkably normal, at that small window of time. "Let's take a walk in the city. We need to discuss a suspected gold launderer, an alchemist transmuting lead into gold."

And they left.

As soon as they entered the street, the eyes locked upon them. Whispers filled the streets. And then, three girls stepped forward.

"Oh my god! It's Roy Mustang with his wonderful, beautiful, forbidden, taboo love!" they all piped up at once, leaping into the air and spreading sparkles all about.

Mustang and Edward immediately gave each other weird/horrified looks.

"We're Slash and Lemon!" two girls, who were twins, said at once.

"And I'm Angst!"

Mustang backed up, this did nothing but make the three girls move forward.

"W-what exactly do you mean by 'love' exactly?"

"Why, you're beautiful gay lover, Edward Elric! That's what we mean!" shouted Slash, with some applause in the background.

"But... that's impossible! Plus, Edward is only fifteen! How old am I? Twenty-five? Plus, I'm a bit of a father-figure to him!"

"We know..." they all said in unison, devilish grins spreading upon their face, "But that's why you're so angry at yourself for it. Why you despise yourself and try to commit suicide, and then Edward coming in and saving you from yourself, for a tearful, sexy reunion!" They huddle into a circle.

"A-are they homunculi?" whispered Edward. "No, Ed, something far more terrifying and dangerous..."

"Okay," says Slash, "So, when Edo-kun turns fifteen, that's when our Musty-boo starts to fall for him. We can't have him be too creepy-"

"And that's when Musty tries to pretend that he's totally not into Edo-kun, by going out with Hawkeye." Angst says.

Hisses of feminine anger erupted from the crowd by this name, "Two years go by, and Edward is seventeen. But that's when Musty can't even stand it any more, and then he tries to rape Edo-kun!" pipes up Lemon. Wild applause and squees all around.

"But he doesn't do it, because he stops himself, because he would never hurt his love!" some disappointed grumbles spread about the crowd.

"And then it turns out that Edo-kun loves him! So they have sex anyways! And it is beautiful, beautiful gay sex! And Edward is taller!" Some more squeals and applause exploded from the crowd.

"THAT'S when our angsty Musty-boo tries to kill himself, only to be saved by his beloved Edward! And then Hawkeye dies in a fire! The End!"

A long winded hiss came from a particular girl, who steps forth from the crowd. "Stop this blasphemy!"

A particularly evil giggle came from Slash, who tilted her head at an almost unnatural angle, "So... We meet again, Royai."

Another girl steps up beside her. "I see you're working with Mary-Sue, I thought you were better than that."

Royai shook her head, "Thanks to some unwanted circumstances, she and I have been forced together through fate. But as soon as our goals are accomplished..." the two girls look at each other, with ferocity and disdain, "It'll be a fight to the death." Mary-Sue finishes.

Mary-Sue was wearing a bright red corset, goffik looking black bows in her naturally blue hair, with crystal green orbs like limpid tears that an angel would cry. She had a MCR bracelet and a short, leather mini-skirt with fishnet leggings and knee high boots. Her boobs were also really big, and she was tall, but not too tall, and thin, but not too thin. Her lips were a natural ruby red, and she sort of looked like Emma Watson. Also, she was the best Alchemist around, even going as far to have completely broken the principal rules of Alchemy with no ill side effects. Also, Mustang, Edward and Alphonse are all in love with her, or at least, she thinks they are. Her face was flawless, except for a scar from when her parents died and she raised herself on the streets, but it did not effect her never-ending beauty. She's also a vampire, homunculus, and chimera but it doesn't matter, because her teeth are perfectly straight and she behaves like any other extra-special human being. But being a chimera allows her to have cat ears. She never wears any perfume, but always smells wonderful. Like a dandelion in the breeze of perfection.

"And don't forget Royai's trusty sidekick! Edwin! It's three against one, Slash! Now what are you going to do?"

Lemon stepped up, "She IS my sister, so I'll fight by her side!"

Angst backed away, "Hey guys, you know I'm neutral on all of this."

And thus, the battle began.

Meanwhile, Angst started to talk with Mustang and Edward. "W-where on Earth do they come up with these... ideas?" stutters Mustang. "Het is ew. That's the rule with Slash. Lemon is usually pretty neutral, but she often helps out her sister. Don't worry, they talk a lot, but it'll be fine as long as you don't run into Hurt and Comfort."

"Well, I am definitely not into Mustang! If I'm gonna be gay, it's gonna be with a guy much more attractive than him!" Edward pipes, "And what's with the 'and Edward's taller' shit? It's not like I'm short or anything!"

The small rage was interrupted by a falling object. Particularly, it was a bag filled with hardened concrete. Edward got away just in the nick of time. A girl was sitting on the roof, "What? Why are you looking at me like that? It's a necessary evil, what I do, but I must do it."

"It's been far too long, Hurt." Angst said blankly.

Another girl, who looked a lot like Hurt, jumped down from the roof and tackled Mustang. "Oh! I'm so sorry! It's gonna be okay, okay Musty? Everyone loves you! My words will heal the wound the concrete has inflicted upon you! Let me cuddle you!"

"Comfort! You're supposed to be cuddling Edward!"

"Aw... But Mustang is... so... KAWAII when he's angry!"

"GET OFF OF ME!"

"Sorry! No can do!"

"Seriously, get off of him." muttered Edward, getting tired of the craziness.

"Edo-kun is jealous! That's so..."

They looked at her, afraid.

"So..."

She appeared to be having an inward explosion inside her brain, one full of beautiful, forbidden, taboo love.

"MOE!" she flailed about, defying physics as if to truly give the middle finger to God himself.

"Run!" screamed Angst, and she pulled the two men along, who were too busy trying to glimpse at the girl who had spontaneously started to get a nosebleed. The alleys seemed darker when the fangirls were around. Bags of cement started hitting the ground, and they wildly tried to dodge it. "Stay still Edo-kun, this is all for the greater good..." Hurt muttered through gritted teeth as she hopped from building to building above.

Finally, after a few minutes, they seemed to have lost her.

"You two okay?"

"Wouldn't you be working with them...?"

"Those two? I used to, but now I work better with Slash and Romance. Lemon just came along for the ride, really. Our alliances switch all of the time. There was a brief period where I worked with Mary-Sue. Although, Mary-Sue usually works alone. Only when she really needs something does she work with anyone else."

They sat down, "Is Hawkeye okay? Would she be in trouble?"

Angst shook her head, "As long as Royai and Edwin are there, she should be okay. I think you might need to be told about us."

They both shook their heads in unison.

"Well for starters, I think we need to tell you which ones are dangerous. Well, you've met Hurt, and Comfort is also dangerous by pure association. In no circumstances are you to approach anyone calling themselves 'Tragedy' okay? Slash can sometimes be a little dangerous, but those continuous battles with Royai and Edwin leave her too tired to go after Winry or Hawkeye. Cross-Over will try to bring in strange people into your world, or try to abduct you and bring you to another world, you can speak to her, but don't look her in the eyes. Crack is unstable and unpredictable, so is Parody, keep that in mind when they talk to you. Continuing, the ones that are good to approach are me, of course. I might try to get you to kill yourself every once in while. That's aimed at you, Mustang. Did I mention that no one loves you?"

His mouth dropped open.

"Lemon will try to convince you to have sex, but she is generally harmless. Mary-Sue, although she might have the occasional murderous tendency, is completely harmless in the end, because nothing she ever says or does matters. Horror, Sci-Fi, and Western are all nerds who live in their little world, so don't worry about them. Basically everyone else is okay, just be wary of the ones I told you to be wary about."

The sound of feet hitting pavement resonated in the air as another girl stopped before them, "Edo-kun... it is time to die." she said calmly, a lead pipe swinging loosely in her hand.

"Edward, Mustang, this is Tragedy. I think it's best for you to run away, now."

...

Oh dear... please forgive me for writing this. But... I had to... The voices commanded it. :P Who wants a battle between Angst and Tragedy? xD


End file.
